Last Contestant
by oneida83
Summary: Song Fic: Joe goes along on a bait and bust job.


_Based on the song, "Last Contestant," by Nickleback. From the cd: All the Right Reasons_

_I do not lay claim to anything Plum or Nickleback. If I did I wouldn't be sitting in a basement office of a tiny city in NY. I'd be lounging in Tahiti surrounded by hot men serving me cool drinks._

The Last Contestant

I was sitting on the bed, watching Stephanie getting dressed for her "job" as bait. I've asked her before to stop working like this for Ranger. She deserved much better. She said she needed the money, I told her I have enough. She said she only did this when Ranger couldn't find anyone else. I rolled my eyes. She had on the dress she wore for me once, when she came back from shopping and tried it on for me. After I picked my jaw off the floor we had tumbled back on the bad and the dress quickly found its way to the floor. The shoes had stayed on.

"I judge by what she's wearing  
Just how many heads I'm tearing  
Off of assholes coming on to her  
Each night seems like it's getting worse  
And I wish she'd take the night off  
So I don't have to fight off  
Every asshole coming on to her  
It happens every night she works"

We had this argument before but this time I won. This time I was going along. This time I would be there when the take went down. I wanted to see her work. I wanted to see Ranger work. I trusted her. I didn't trust her with him. There was the undertone of tension whenever I saw the two of them together. She all flustered, he all alpha-dog wannabe. Ha. Not gonna happen buddy. She's mine. That's my ring on her finger, her ring on my finger. Her hamster on our kitchen counter, her panties drying in our bathroom. Not gonna happen buddy.

We met the team of Ranger and a few of his no-neck thugs a couple blocks from the night club. They were all imaginatively dressed in black. Ranger looked at me, telling me to stay out of it. Not gonna happen buddy. He got all puffed up like the cartoon he was and tried to get in my face. Stephanie stepped between us and told Ranger to get on with the briefing. Finally, after 20 minutes of Ranger talking, the thugs grunting in agreement, Stephanie moaning in my ear that her feet hurt, we made our way to the club. I entered first, taking up position at the bar, and ordered a beer. Stephanie was next, followed by the rest of the pumped up gang.

"They'll go and ask the DJ  
Find out just what would she say  
If they all tried coming on to her  
Don't they know it's never going to work  
They think they'll get inside her  
With every drink they buy her  
As they all try coming on to her  
This time somebody's getting hurtHere comes the next contestant"

Stephanie sat at the bar a few seats down from me, and immediately had three drinks in front of her. Three lounge lizards appeared, hair slicked, pointy shoes, they could have been Vinnie clones. Knowing Stephanie as I did I was able to catch the fleeting glimpse of revulsion on her face before it was quickly masked by a practiced look of surprised wonder. The three lizards all but shed their skins right there. My hand closed on my beer and I had to count to fifteen before I could look back. All I saw was the hand on Stephanie's thigh.

"Is that your hand on my girlfriend?  
Is that your hand?  
I wish you'd do it again  
I'll watch you leave here limping  
I wish you'd do it again  
I'll watch you leave here limping  
There goes the next contestant"

I felt a nudge as one of the thugs came up next to me and ordered a white wine spritzer. I knew this one was a little light in the loafers (not that there's anything wrong with it). He whispered to me to cool it, I told him to fuck off. He used his bulk to push me into the bar and said if I couldn't control myself then he'd been ordered to make a play for me. I was gaping like a guppy as the thug moved away.

When I looked back at Stephanie the lizards had mysteriously disappeared. She was now turned to look at the dance floor. Suddenly her eyes went huge and she quickly turned back to the bar. I looked at the dance floor and had to hold back a bark of laughter. Ms. Ugly was making her way to Stephanie's side.

"I even fear the ladies  
They're cool but twice as crazy  
Just as bad for coming on to her  
Don't they know it's never going to work  
Each time she bats an eyelash  
Somebody's grabbing her ass  
Everyone is coming on to her  
This time somebody's getting hurtHere comes the next contestant"

I was still snickering in my beer after Ms. Ugly left, a rather forlorn expression on her face. Guess she thought if Stephanie didn't want the lizards she take a shot. After another fifteen minutes another man approached Stephanie. This one different. This one a dark, menacing presence. This was who they had come for. Wanted for the execution style killing of three low level drug dealers. How he got out on bail is one of those mysteries of life. And now he was making moves on my wife.

"I'm hating what she's wearing  
Everybody here keeps staring  
Can't wait 'til they get what they deserve  
This somebody's getting hurtHere comes the next contestantIs that your hand on my girlfriend?  
Is that your hand?  
I wish you'd do it again  
I'll watch you leave here limping  
I wish you'd do it again  
I'll watch you leave here limping  
I wish you'd do it again  
Each night seems like it's getting worse  
I wish you'd do it again  
This somebody's getting hurtThere goes the next contestant"

When I came to my head was in Stephanie's lap and she was smoothing my hair back. The lights in the club were on, the music had stopped and there was the sound of controlled chaos. Stephanie helped me to sit up and I got my first look at the mess around me. Heh, guess I need to practice some of those anger management skills the captain is always harping about. Seems when I saw the skip's hand in Stephanie's thigh I lost it.

I turned to look at her, to tell her how sorry I was to mess up the take down, for being so jealous, for interfering in her job. When I opened my mouth to start, Stephanie grabbed my head, looked me in the eyes, kissed my bruised mouth gently and said, "My hero."

Last thing I remember was seeing Ranger and the thugs laughing their asses off as the skip was led out in cuffs.


End file.
